Mental Illness: The Silent Killer
By: Liv (@harryslaneboy)
Content warning: mental illness, anxiety
Mental Illness. A touchy subject most people in this society try to ignore. But it's hard to ignore when mental illness has taken over your mind, psychical health, friendships, school, and pretty much everything else. We need to raise awareness now. This is a serious topic. It's a silent killer and I believe the best way to spread awareness is to share personal stories of the many fights against mental illness. So here's mine.
Before I even begin to tell you about my experiences, I feel it's important to state some information. First, I am still fighting my battle, every day of every week. Some things you should know about me before mental illness became an issue are that I loved school, I was very outgoing, I loved being with my friends, I was always happy, confident, and smiling. I was confident in myself when it came to school.
But at the beginning of that last school year (about a year ago) I started getting anxious, tense, less happy. I thought it was just a regular mood change due to a new school year, but those feelings were still there in December, and they were getting worse. Gradually, I started getting more and more anxious to go to school and to leave my mom. I had just learned in September that anxiety disorders and depression run in my family. Yay me. I started seeing a psychiatrist around that time. I was also seeing a therapist. It was with her that I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I hated talking, though. Hated it so much in fact that I refused to continue going to my therapist. About a month later on medicine, I still wasn't showing improvements. I ended up having to go to another therapist. She hinted that I might have depression. I quit seeing her too, so I'm not diagnosed with that.
In March of this year, I had the biggest mental breakdown of my life. I refused to go to school. Even the thought of going to school would send me into an awful anxiety attack. If I were forced to go, I would leave before lunch every time. I spent every day in tears, shaking, and feeling nauseous. My mind was going a mile a minute.
So, I never finished that school year. My last day of school was April 11th. My school had to use my grades from my previous quarters to get my fourth quarter grades. It was then I started to get depressed and suicidal. My mind was my biggest enemy (it still is) and there was no escaping it. I despised myself, hated everything I was. I was sick of living in fear. Feeling guilty for not finishing school. I stopped hanging out with friends nor would I leave my mom's side. I wanted to die. Then summer officially came, which helped me relax.
Now, I'm on 60mg of Prozac, and I'm doing cyber school while are my friends are attending the brick and mortar version. I'm still anxious, and while I don't know if I have depression, I'm still depressed. I'm still suicidal, have been for months now, but I'm working through it as best as I can. I'm a survivor. I'm living proof that mental illnesses can completely change your life. If that's now enough to get the conversation going, I don't know what will.