NSPM Writing Submission - Rosa G.

Submitted by Rosa G.

It probably started in middle school. Just something small, a curiosity perhaps. I just felt sad, I guess. But I was able to push the feeling aside because I had friends. I did good in school. I was living a good life. 
High school hit. Friends split up. I was lost now more than ever. I felt like I didn't have anyone. I tried keeping positive though. But freshman year, something happened. Thoughts came in and it felt like I was breaking. I still don't know how or why I got this "bad" but it happened. I attempted suicide that summer, before sophomore year. But it went undocumented. The doctors didn't understand what happened to me, no matter the amount of tests they did. I was a mystery. 
So sophomore year, I went on. Barely. My brain just didn't want to get better. I fell into a really depressive state that year, and again I attempted. And again, the doctors didn't find a reason. Which was fine. 
Junior year was terrible. But i didn't try anything. Senior year was stressful, and it felt like a truck hit me. I was spiraling down again, and there was no cushion on the bottom. I hit it. A third try, but this time, there were no doctors. Just a failed attempt. No one knows.

I didn't understand any of this, I have a good life, I have family and friends that love me, but still, even now, I want to die. Its stupid, but I'm just like this. I've been to two psychologists, and tried anti-depressants. Done group therapy. Tried getting better, but I've accepted that I'm forever going to have this mental illness with me. I won't act upon it, I think, but I've accepted it. And maybe that's a step in the right direction for me. 

What I've learned though, is that suicide is a real thing. It's something that so many people deal with, and people don't take it seriously. And more people should be more aware that the phrase "I want to kill myself," should not be said just because you're sick of homework, or because your phone is acting up. If someone says "I want to kill myself," it's something serious. So many people use that phrase nowadays that they don't know the actual effect of it. 

But yeah. To everyone out there, it's terrifying, but you are not alone.

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