NSPM Writing Submission - Mel D.

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Writing Submission by Mel D.

Trigger warning: suicide

When I turned 16, I pretty much got the idea that my biggest problem would be trying to afford car insurance. Well. I don't know where that idea came from, but it was wrong on so many levels. It's one thing to sit in school with heaps of work and unrealistic expectations that just keep piling up. It's another to sit there in agonizing pain from a chronic illness. And it's even worse to sit there listening to your so called "friends" whispering to each other that you've "gone off the deep end" or "completely lost your mind."

But one thing worse than all those things, is all those things put together. I would come home every day to a tense, anxious household and lie down and not get up. I couldn't get up. Getting up meant I was going to watch another part of my life slip out of my control. So I decided I should end the suffering. On May 23, 2017 I tried to take my own life. When I didn't succeed I thought to myself "you're too much of a wimp to even handle a task simple as that!" Every moment was torture; I never knew if I could make it to the next hour, let alone the next day. I felt guilty for existing. It was horrible. I think my heart wanted to live but my brain said no. I was very lucky though, because while everyone was ignoring all my symptoms of depression and anxiety, one person realized that my life had value and wanted to make me feel that way about it, too.

I spent a total of 27 day inpatient where I met a nurse I could never forget. I never would have made it out of that hospital if it hadn't been for Kerry. And I never would've made it in that hospital in the first place without Chris. I'm home now, and I'm safe again. I'm still working through my depression and anxiety, but I use it as an experience to educate others about the warning sides of suicidal ideation. I go back to school for the first time since my perfect storm in just a couple of days. While my life still isn't the greatest, I have hope that this year will be different. I've made a lot of progress that I take pride in. Thank you to Dani, Kerry, Chris, and my Mama for helping me to realize that I'm loved and I'm valuable. I know that now. I know something else, too; I can do it. I know I can because I am, and there's nothing I'm more proud of than that. ~Mel

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