NSPM Writing Submission - Chris B.

Submission by Chris B.

I was just about to turn 18 this year. When I met a girl I almost instantly clicked with. At the beginning of the friendship everything was well. We supported each other through whatever happened. But I started getting feelings for her. It is important to note, she is 23 and married. I know my mind won't let me get rid of feelings until they are either met with mutual friends or rejected. So I told her, completely expecting what you probably expect. A big fat no. Instead what I received was a confession of love back. This messed with my mind. I feel very strongly on what love is and how it is to be handled. Having basically a husband and a boyfriend isn't part of my idea of love. But my foolish brain didn't just leave. It was stuck in love. So I started hating myself for letting this happen and having these thoughts. Not only was I in a relationship that was out of the age range I would think is ok, but the circumstances of her being married made it worse. I fell into depression, and I suppose somewhat still am. At the time I thought I'd just find someone else that I love. That didn't happen. I let myself heal a bit, but everytime I healed she got worse. I spent more time helping her than I did myself. I let myself believe I was second to her. To the point where I felt I was holding her back. At that point many thoughts raced in my head, but the loudest and clearest of all were "She would be better off if you were dead." Or even more blunt "You don't deserve to live". I'm so thankful to have had people that were willing to help. That got me to leave her. I told her all these feelings I had. When I asked her if she wanted me dead her response was not an answer to my question, but a response that only a cold hearted human couple give. She spoke about how she felt bad she didn't get to talk to me anymore, how she was sad that all she could say to me was good morning. It hurt me, but at the same time enraged me. I kept my cool though. Told her "if you can't even say you don't want me to kill myself, maybe I should go." And I left her. I never felt more confident in my life than the day I left her. It has been a tough time since. Depression hits hard and it can hit randomly. Some days I feel like I've made no progress at all, some I feel I've made a world of progress. If you take anything from my story let it be this. You can win against it. Whatever it may be. You may not feel like you are winning all the time, but you are. Every day you have a genuine smile on your face is a day you've won. Keep at it. If not for yourself, do it for your future. Because the future is always brighter.

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