MHAM Submission - Colleen McAteer


Trigger warning // suicide

On Monday February 12, 2018 I attempted to take my life for the fifth and final time. For over half of my life I have struggled with depression, but it all came to a head when I had my worst prescription overdose ever. I woke up in the ICU a few days after the incident and was informed I had lost consciousness, fell down my flight of stairs at my apartment, had a seizure, was intubated, and experienced hallucinations. Based on the entire situation I should have died, or had brain or major organ damage, or had broken bones and sprains from my fall...but I didn’t. 

I am not necessarily a religious person, but I am spiritual and I truly believe some higher power was watching over me. I am safe for a reason. I am here for a reason. I have had nine fucking lives, and need to start appreciating every day I have on earth. This situation was a major wake up call and turning point. Everything happens for a reason, and in a weird way I am thankful for what happened because it showed me how many awesome and supportive people there are around me, old and new. It also brought back joy and excitement to my life that I hadn’t felt in a long time. I am smiling more, I am laughing more, I am talking more, and I never want to go back to that soft-spoken, self-critical girl again. 

I’ve been home since February 27th, and have talked to majority of the people who have stuck around and whom I want to have in my life. I have cut out a lot of people for my own peace of mind, and refuse to continue with my people pleasing ways. I am learning to love and respect myself, and no one can take that away from me. You only live once, so make the most of your time here and enjoy the ride. 

This story was also shared on my blog I am trying to help others by writing from the voice of a mental health advocate and peer.

If you or anyone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts please check out our page of international hotlines.

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