MHAM Submission - Britt Oswald

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my phases;
by britt oswald

childhood;
too young to be trying to be smaller,
too human to be fearing my fat.
the thinness validated,
the yearning to be lesser than;
why can't I be more?

college;
dress it up in the word lifestyle--
in the word health.
I will live my every day
aching,
crying,
retreating,
unsatisfied,
for the sake of satisfying you.
I will hate me, so that you
envy me,
love me,
cherish me,
never see me.
I remind myself of this
every time my pants don't fit.

post-grad;
I will then try to fix myself.
I will tackle the problem my own brain created
as if it all of the sudden
knows the answers
when it has left me
questioning my worth
all along.

I Have A Problem;
I will fail.
I will lose hope.
I will want to unzip my skin,
step out,
and never come back.

recovery;
I will reach out from the bottom.
I won't crawl up alone.
They will pull me toward the top. 
I will hang on tightly.
I will live with this addiction,
but I will be free.

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