Ally Link - Suicide Prevention Month Submission

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Depression (noun): A chemical imbalance within the brain that can be helped with medication. Can get worse over time. Several common symptoms and emotions such as exhaustion, irritability, feelings of worthlessness, and thoughts of suicide. People dealing with depression may feel miserable and unhappy without knowing a reason why. How I feel.

In other words, darkness.

It consumes you. The darkness encompasses every fiber of your being. You can’t control it. There’s no known reason for why you feel the way you do. You don’t want to feel this lost or broken. But you do and you can’t stop. It’s overwhelming. You want to die but at the same time you have a death grip on the small sliver of hope inside of you that things will get better. But still, you think about it. It’s all you think about all of the time. You write the note. You make a plan. But you can’t do it. Because you want to feel alive again. You want to change. You try your hardest to hide what you’re feeling but each day it gets harder and harder. Suddenly getting out of bed becomes the hardest task and leaving the isolation of your room is terrifying. People constantly tell you that you look tired. Because you are tired. Tired of living, of breathing, of trying, of never being good enough for anyone. You distance yourself from your friends and family unintentionally, making it feel like there’s no one to pull you out of the darkness. You try to relieve the emotional pain with physical pain, and it helps. Until it doesn’t anymore. And you feel like all you’ve done is given yourself more to hide from everyone. You hide behind long sleeves and ‘I’m fine’s. You hide because you feel like your problems aren’t big enough to ask for help. There are people living without food and water, but you have everything. Knowing this makes you feel even guiltier about all the times you’ve cringed at the sight of food or thrown it back up. You regret every self destructive thing you’ve ever done. You want someone to help you, but you don’t want to tell them yourself. You feel selfish for wanting someone to notice that you’re not okay, that you’re not who you used to be, that you’re not happy anymore. It grows increasingly harder to fake a smile, to be strong for everyone else’s sake. You’re suffocated by the sadness. Life seems pointless and hopeless and you feel completely worthless. You lose interest in everything you used to love. You want to get better but at the same time you constantly question whether happiness is possible. All you can do is hope that one day you’ll find your way out of the misery. Hope that one day you’ll make it out alive. Hope that one day the black will turn to yellow, the dark to light, the pain to joy. Hope that one day you’ll be really living, not just surviving.

Happiness (noun): A mental or emotional state of well-being characterized by positive or pleasant emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy. Made up of many things, such as success, love, and well-being. Often more than just one single source of happiness is able to be identified. How I want to feel.

In other words, brightness.

It consumes you. The light encompasses every fiber of your being. You can’t control it. There’s so many reasons to smile that you can’t stop yourself. It’s contagious. You want to sing and dance and share your joy with everyone else. You can’t believe there was ever a time that you considered taking away your chance at this. You don’t understand how you could ever have felt so low after experiencing this type of high. It’s a feeling of complete euphoria and it’s amazing. You can’t wait to wake up in the morning and start living life the way you always hoped you could. People constantly tell you that you look better than you have in years. Because you are better, you’re happy. Happy that you didn’t give up, that you asked for help, that you saved yourself, but most importantly, that you’re alive. You reconnect with the friends and family that you pulled away from before.There’s finally people surrounding you that care about you. And you care about them. You feel emotionally stable for once in your life. You’re happy with the way you look. You no longer have to hide behind long sleeves and ‘I’m fine’s. You feel like you can be your complete self again, like you actually know who you are. You feel like nothing in the world could go wrong and affect you. You’re invincible. Because you’re happy. You become the person striving to help others, hoping that you could stop someone from feeling the way you used to. Hoping to show them that happiness is attainable if you try hard enough. You don’t feel selfish for changing. You want everyone to notice that you’re different, that you’re not who you used to be, that you’re happy again. It grows increasingly easier to smile and laugh, to be strong for everyone else. You’re intoxicated by the ecstasy. Life seems beautiful and wonderful and you feel completely meaningful. You regain interest in everything you used to love but haven’t in awhile. You wonder why you ever questioned whether happiness was possible. Because it is. No matter what, no matter who, no matter how. You know this because you have finally reached it. You thought you would never be able to, but you have. And now all you can do is hope that one day you’ll find a way to pull others out of the misery that you felt for so long. Hope that one day you’ll help someone else make it out alive. Hope that the yellow will never turn to black, the light never to dark, the joy never to pain. Hope that one day you’ll appreciate the depression that you were trapped in for so long because it helped you know what true, undeniable happiness is.

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